Some nights my brain works better in English. This is one of those nights. Call me whatever, I don't mind, but this is true. It switches to English when I'm too exhausted to think straight. Anyway.
I'm in limbo.
I'm in that awful place called limbo where nothing seems to work. This has nothing to do with negativity however. I'm not being negative for the sake of it, I'm actually looking at life rather positive. It's just that some days, some weeks and even some whole months can be rather... painful.
I'm in love with my studies, I love my friends, I really like being with my man. I just don't see a future anywhere. This, some people claim, is healthy. This is living now and not for tomorrow.
I agree.
However, with no future, there can be difficulties knowing what to fight for. That's where I stand. I stand in love with life but with no energy to pass that love on to tomorrow. So I wake up late, cancel every plan I have made, and I keep to myself, studying away. I have coffee with friends every now and then, but people say they don't fully recognize me. I'm too weak, tired and silent to be me.
I agree.
There is no energy for tomorrow, for the future plans I always love to make.
Maybe it's the weather, maybe I just have a cold, or a virus clinging on for dear life? Maybe I'm not used to life being just good? Maybe I'm struggling with learning to just live and not try to fix things? I don't know. All I know is that I feel lonely and with no energy.
Argh this sounds stupid. I sound like I'm about to give in and just go into hibernation mode. That's not it!
I'm... rambling. Yes. No! I'm actually trying to say something here, it's just very difficult to do so. One thing is clear, though.
I'm tired of giving without recieving. This doesn't go for everyone I know, please don't read too much into it, this is probably not about you in particular. This probably goes for the people I wish read my blog because they are supposed to love me, but doesn't read it at all. I think this is for them. There are a few out there who should unconditionally love and support me, who really doesn't. I've been fooling myself, trying to make up excuses for their behaviour since I love them so much... but excuses can only take me so far and now I'm tired, sad and exhausted. I give my life for these souls each and every day. I used to be egoistic, I know that, but I have learned a lot lately about other ways of looking at life, and I have changed..! But what about them? How can I not be worth changing at least a bit for? You're all like echoes without originality. You repeat so that you don't have to come up with something by yourself. You have more important things to do than to give your friend some love, huh? For the most part I can take it. For some dark moments here and there... it just doesn't cut it. I'm worth more. I am worth more.
I know I want you all in my life and therefore I keep fighting, lowering my head, catching the bullets that singes my palm.
I know what I want but I still question...
What's in it for me?
Why are the kind words of love and gratitude so hard to pronounce?
I'm a good person.
For the love of whatever you hold dear... Open your god damn eyes and see me before I'm gone.
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